Conversational Dilemma

After that conversation at church a week ago, I prayed about it and decided that I wasn't going to offer up the fact that Jayvan is adopted to every stranger.  I am not going to lie if someone asks me a question, but I'm not going to volunteer the information either.  Yet, I still feel this desire to over-share, because we could not be happier or more proud of our son and his adoption.

I practiced my non-over-sharing skills at dinner last night.  We went out to The Blue Moose, because it is Matt's favorite.  The woman at the table next to us asked, "How old is he?"

I replied, "He was a month old yesterday."

She gushed about how cute he is and what mother doesn't love that?  Then she said something about all of his dark hair.  "I bet it will lighten up just like his big sister's."

Now, if this conversation had happened a couple weeks ago, I probably would have gone on about his adoption, but I didn't.  I said, "Well, her hair started out that light.  His will probably stay dark."  Matt has dark hair, so it is conceivable that the dark hair came from him. 

Whew.  That wasn't so hard.  We finished up our dinner and headed to the car.  Every stranger we meet doesn't have to know that Jayvan is adopted.  It's obvious that he is a loved member of our family.

My Least Favorite Adoption Conversation to Date

I want to preface this post by saying that we have been surrounded by overwhelming support and understanding.    Even the conversation I'm about to type out was not born out of maliciousness, but rather (for lack of a nicer word) ignorance.  I remember reading about conversations like this in adoption books and blogs, and now I got to experience one for myself.

Today while we were in church, Jayvan needed a diaper change, so I took him to the bathroom. While I was in there, a woman came into the bathroom and the following conversation ensued.

Random Church Lady (RCL): Oh! There is someone in here.  I was coming to check for the cleaning person.
Me:  I'm just finishing up.  I'll be out in a minute.
RCL:  Oh, you have a little baby.  He's so adorable.
Me:  Thank you.  We think he's pretty cute.
RCL:  Can I hold him?
(She came at me with out-stretched arms and I somehow couldn't say no, so I handed my precious baby to a lady I've never met. :shock:)
RCL:  Is he. . . ?
(Somehow I knew what she was asking.)
Me:  He is adopted.
RCL:  Oh, I just knew it.  I could just tell.
(She was quite proud of herself.)
Me:  Yes, we are pretty blessed.
RCL:  Oh, I want my son to get one of these.  I'm going to go show him.
(Get one?  These? That's not really how it works.  At this point she proceeds out of the bathroom with my baby. :shock:  Her son is standing outside the bathroom with gloves on.  Apparently he is the cleaning person.)
RCL:  See son! This is what I want you to get.  It doesn't matter if you're single.  You can still get one of these.
(Seriously, get one?  I still tried to be nice.)
Me:  The adoption process can be hard, but it is so worth it.
RCL: So, where did you get him?
Me:  We traveled to Virginia for his birth.
RCL:  But where did you get him from?
Me:  Virginia.
(She stares at me blankly)
Me:  He was born in Virginia and we traveled there to pick him up.
RCL:  But what nationality is he?
(Now this is where the old snarky Amanda would have said "American!"  However, I knew what she was getting at.)
Me:  He is biracial, half Caucasian and half African American.
RCL:  Oh, I never had one of those. . . :?
(She then proceeds to tell me about all of the foster children she had and all of their "nationalities."  You would think a former foster-mom would be a little more politically correct.)
RCL:  So is he your only child?
Me:  No, my daughter is almost five.
RCL:  Is she adopted too?
Me:  No.
RCL:  Oh, so she is really yours.
(Yep, she said it.)
Me:  She is biologically ours, yes.  Both of our children are ours.  Well, I've got to get back into church. . .
(And I make my escape.)

Eesh.  When I told Matt about the whole thing, he said he definitely would have said, "Full-blooded American" and walked away.  I probably should have gone with that.  I'll be in prayer about how to handle conversations like this in the future.

Happy Baby Boy

Jayvan smiles in his sleep.  I still have not been able to capture the complete smile, but this is a partial smile.

You have to wonder what he is dreaming about.  These three weeks of his life have been filled with so many people wanting to meet him and show him how much they love him.  He is surrounded by love.  Even when he wants to stay up from 2:00-4:00am, I still whisper in his ear, "I love you little man."  I love sleep too, but I love that little face a thousand times more.

Life is Good

Today there are many things I know for certain.  Here's the list:

1. God is so good and we are so incredibly blessed.
2. I break out in random tears when I think about all that has happened in our lives in the last month.
3. Jayvan sleeps through our dogs' barks and I am thankful.
4. Lexi makes some of the best pretend coffee and pizza that I've ever had.
5. Green Mountain Coconut coffee is delicious.
6. Jayvan slept for five hours straight last night and it felt like a lot longer.  I am refreshed.
7. Suitcases don't unpack themselves.
1. Laundry doesn't fold itself either.
2. I don't really care about it right now. . . 
8. My family is amazing and we are so blessed with the outpouring of love we have received.  
9. My love of babywearing was reaffirmed by my inability to make coffee one-handed.
10. I'm a crier.  
11. As of 12:00 am this morning, Jayvan's adoption is no longer a "legal risk."  I stayed up until that time because I couldn't sleep until I saw the clock hit 12:01.  Our revocation period is over and honestly that is probably why I slept better last night.  Praise God from whom all blessing flow!

The Virginia Aquarium

On Tuesday we went to the aquarium.  Lexi needed some touristy fun.  We all enjoyed it.

 We all survived this shark attack.

 We went on a nature walk to the second building.

 After the aquarium, we went to an amazing seafood buffet.

 Since we were so close to the beach, we had to go take a walk on the beach for Lexi and Jayvan's first time on the beach.  Lexi absolutely loved it . . . until her shorts got wet. 

Our family of four on Virginia Beach.  Love!

You know what they say about the best laid plans. . .

Well, we are scheduled to fly out to Virginia on Friday afternoon (five days before baby's due date).  E-mom just called to say her contractions are 8 minutes apart and she may be leaking fluid.  She asked what I wanted her to do and I told her to head to the hospital.  I am excited and a little sad because we were planning to be in the room to support e-mom and be the first to hold the baby (e-mom's wishes and ours).  The earliest we can possibly get there is 11:45 tomorrow morning and I just cannot wish a long labor on e-mom.

I'll update here when I find out more.  Now I'm off to frantically pack.

Look who we got to snuggle with yesterday.

Well, you can see most of his adorable little face anyway.


Thank you Katie for letting us soak up the baby goodness.

If you want to see more of Oscar and his family, you can do so here.  I'm so happy we were able to meet in person before their big move.

The Countdown Chain

Lexi woke up yesterday and immediately asked, "When do we get to go get my brother and see the beach?"  So, we decided to start a countdown chain to make it more tangible for her.  The middle peak is the day we fly out to Virginia and the last one is the day we are hoping to fly home.  Of course, this little guy could throw us for a loop and our schedule could go out the window.  That's what babies are great at doing.

Chat with E-mom!

We had the much-anticipated call with e-mom today.  E-dad ended up not being on the call.  Lissa (the birth parent specialist) was on the call with us to direct conversation if needed.  She basically only introduced us and said one other thing about something she would take care of (hospital details). 

Even though we completely understand that this is a hard time for e-mom, it was very hard for me to contain my excitement.  I acknowledged that I knew this was a hard time in her life, and I won't forget that even though we are excited.  She told us that she was really happy that we were so excited.  It would be weird if we weren't.

She wanted to know a bit more about the area we live in and we told her about our proximity to the city and the country.  We feel like we have the best of both worlds living in the suburbs.  She seemed to really like that.  We talked about our schools (which are awesome by the way).  She really wants this little boy to have a great education and so do we.

We asked her how she felt about us bringing our daughter with us and she was really excited about it.  It looks like we may be traveling before the baby is born to meet her and her family.  Exciting times are ahead of us!

Timeline Details

Thursday, June 16, 2011, 10:07 am:   Got a call from Lissa about a match!  She called my cell phone first and when I didn't answer, she called Matt's office.  Matt called my office and I answered the phone because my assistant was away from her desk.  He asked what I was doing and I replied, "Answering the phone because Jennifer is in the bathroom."

He then said, "I have the adoption agency on the line."  He could have led with that.

Lissa explained the situation to us including all of the medical and social forms she has about our e-mom and e-dad.  She said she would e-mail the documents to us and we could review them overnight and get back to her the next day.  She hung up and Matt told me he was taking off work early so we could review the documents at lunch.  In the mean time, I made a few phone calls (and no one answered!), saw a few patients, and told my best friend our exciting news!   I posted one of those vague facebook statuses that typically drive me crazy, but  I couldn't help myself.

 I'm pretty sure I won't be able to wipe the smile from my face for the rest of the day!

Lunch time:  Matt and I went to lunch and thought of a few questions we wanted to ask Lissa.  We called her from the car in the parking lot and she answered all of our questions.  We told her we most definitely want this baby!  She told us that we are more than welcome to sleep on it and call her in the morning.  We assured her that nothing would change overnight and we are matched!

We picked up Lexi from school and toured the infant room at her daycare.  We reserved a spot for our little boy.  It felt very surreal.  When we told Lexi that she was getting a baby brother in about a month, she said, "Cool."  Throughout the evening she started talking about all of the things she is going to teach her baby brother and the toys that she didn't really want to share (marbles and legos which typically aren't great for a baby anyway). ;)

I decided to post another facebook update:

It looks like we will be welcoming a baby boy into our hearts and home some time in July!

I am so overwhelmed by the outpouring of love and support we have received.  Our family is so incredibly blessed!

Friday, June 17, early morning:  Matt went to the grocery store to buy food for packed lunches and he was so discombobulated that he forgot half of the things he went there to get.  He was chaperoning a field trip for Lexi's class and I had to work.

Mid-Morning:  I got a call from the social worker with Datz Foundation in Virginia.  If the e-mom is out of state, our agency partners with a local agency to work with the e-mom.  We have to sign an agreement with that agency as well, but all fees are paid by our agency (from the money we pay them).  The social worker e-mailed the document and I printed it off.

 After I got off of work, I perused a new baby store that just opened this week, but I refrained from buying anything (amazingly).

1:00ish:  We met up at our bank and signed our match agreement in front of a notary.  We also set up the wire transfer to the agency.  The bank told us that it may not go out until the next business day.  That's fine as long as it gets there within 48 business hours of our signing the match agreement.  We drove down to the agency and dropped off the match agreement and they scanned and e-mailed our agreement with the Datz Foundation.

We went to Target because I just had to buy a couple things.  I finally caved and bought the Aden & Anais swaddling blankets that I've been eyeing.  Matt scoffed at the price, but I really wanted them.  I also bought a few little boy things that were on clearance.

Today, June 18th:  I started the morning with packing away all of the pink that I had out in the baby closet.  I took inventory of what we have and I tried to decide if I need to buy some newborn sizes.  I discovered that we have no boy bibs at all and I would really like to have a few overnight gowns (I love them for overnight diaper changes).

Tonight:  Matt and I are celebrating our ten-year wedding anniversary (which actually was June 8) and Lexi is going to spend the night at Nana's.  This may be one of the last nights that we have alone in a long time.  We plan to enjoy it.

Monday, June 20, 1:00pm:  We are scheduled to talk to our adoptive parent specialist (Laurie).  Laurie will advise us about how to handle the call with e-mom.  This seems to be a protocol that the agency has.  We have to talk to Laurie before we can talk to e-mom.

Tuesday, June 21, 11:00am:  THE conference call with e-mom! I can't wait for this call.  Lissa told us that e-mom can't wait for us to be involved and I can't wait to get to know her and her hopes and dreams for this baby boy.

After Tuesday, we'll know more about what the future holds.  E-mom has a doctor's appointment on Monday and that should give us a bit more information about the due date.  It has changed a few times (which happens in any pregnancy), but we should expect this little guy sometime in July.

55 Days

That is how long we were a waiting family.  We got the call this morning that an expectant mom picked us.  We are so excited.  It feels like such an amazing blessing.  It's almost surreal.

We do know a lot of details and yet there is so much we don't know.  We won't be able to talk to the e-mom until Tuesday and that seems like a very long time.

I saw this at Target today and snapped a picture:

Lexi is already excitedly talking about all of the things she is going to teach her little brother.  

Wisdom/Understanding

We have a new pastor of community development (I think that's his title anyway) at our church and he preached his first message (at our church) last weekend.  The message really spoke to me and I've found myself applying it a lot this week.  So, I thought I would share a shorter version of what he spoke about.  The message was based on this passage:

In Gibeon the Lord appeared to Solomon in a dream by night: and God said, Ask what I shall give thee.6 And Solomon said, Thou hast shewed unto thy servant David my father great mercy, according as he walked before thee in truth, and in righteousness, and in uprightness of heart with thee; and thou hast kept for him this great kindness, that thou hast given him a son to sit on his throne, as it is this day.s7 And now, O Lord my God, thou hast made thy servant king instead of David my father: and I am but a little child: I know not how to go out or come in.8 And thy servant is in the midst of thy people which thou hast chosen, a great people, that cannot be numbered nor counted for multitude.9 Give therefore thy servant an understanding heart to judge thy people, that I may discern between good and bad: for who is able to judge this thy so great a people?s10 And the speech pleased the Lord, that Solomon had asked this thing.11 And God said unto him, Because thou hast asked this thing, and hast not asked for thyself long life; neither hast asked riches for thyself, nor hast asked the life of thine enemies; but hast asked for thyself understanding to discern judgment;ss12 Behold, I have done according to thy words: lo, I have given thee a wise and an understanding heart; so that there was none like thee before thee, neither after thee shall any arise like unto thee.13 And I have also given thee that which thou hast not asked, both riches, and honour: so that there shall not be any among the kings like unto thee all thy days.s14 And if thou wilt walk in my ways, to keep my statutes and my commandments, as thy father David did walk, then I will lengthen thy days.15 And Solomon awoke; and, behold, it was a dream. And he came to Jerusalem, and stood before the ark of the covenant of the Lord, and offered up burnt offerings, and offered peace offerings, and made a feast to all his servants. 1 Kings 3:5-15

Pastor Phil focused on the fact that Solomon first humbled himself: "I am but a little child."  Solomon was about 20 when he took the throne from my understanding.  I thought to myself how difficult and rare it is to see true humbling in our society.  Humbleness is not weakness, but truth.  We are but specks of sand.

The next main point is that Solomon could have asked God for anything and God would have granted it.  What would you ask for from God (or whatever power you believe in) if you were given the chance?  Many of us would ask for health (for ourselves and/or family), freedom from debt, peace in relationships,  or. . . who knows what.  In the end, all of those things are selfish.  Even health for our children or our children's children is ultimately selfish.  Solomon asked for wisdom/understanding (depending on the translation) so that he may be a wise and understanding ruler/king.  Because he was selfless God granted him so much more, but I believe that Solomon would have been an amazing king even if he was not blessed with riches, servants, honor, etc.  He had a heart for God and a heart for the people. 

So, what did I take from this that I applied to daily life?  When we ask God for health, wealth, wins, our desired outcome, etc. is that really pleasing to God?  I have often prayed that God's Will be done in a situation and that he gives me understanding of His Will.  I have prayed in the past for wisdom.  Now I make sure that is an integral part of my prayers.  May God grant me the wisdom to know the right choices and actions to make.  May I be understanding of whatever outcome that may lead to.  I think of this part of the Serenity Prayer:

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference. 

I remember seeing it on the wall in my grandpa's bathroom for years and thinking that he must be a Christian if he had that prayer hanging in his bathroom.  It was many years later when I learned that it was the AA prayer and he had it because he was an alcoholic.  Sometimes I miss the innocence of youth. . . but I digress.

During this adoption process, we've had many friends and family members concerned for us.  Yet, we have a peace that God's proper timing will prevail.  While we may hope and dream of our desired outcome (a healthy baby in our arms and in our family), I rest in knowing that God has a plan that far exceeds our plans.  What we need is the wisdom to know what we can change and how to change it.  May God grant it to all of us.

Baby, We Were Meant for Each Other

I am by no means a professional book reviewer, but I wanted to recommend this book.  If you are in the adoption process, I'm sure you have a long list of books that your agency has recommended.  I've read many adoption books, and this is the first one I actually enjoyed the entire time.  Don't let the cover make you think it is only about international adoption. A variety of adoption scenarios are discussed.  Simon manages to tell his personal adoption story and those of many friends while still providing plenty of general adoption information.  I laughed. I cried. It was a great read.

Point Proven

My mom is currently back in school to fulfill her dream of becoming a RN.  She has about a year left.  I'm so very proud of her for working hard to achieve her goals.  Her next rotation will be in labor and delivery.

This weekend while we were camping, I overheard my mom talking to my cousin in a hushed voice.  I asked what the big secret was. My mom went on to tell me that she was talking to another RN student who just finished her rotation in labor & delivery.  The other student said she had a wonderful time helping deliver babies, except for one mother who had HELLP Syndrome.  That mother tragically died shortly after her delivery.  Her husband, two older children, and newborn baby were left without a wife and mother.  That ranks right up there as one of my biggest fears.

If you haven't read my entire blog (or you don't know me in person), you may not know I had HELLP Syndrome during my labor, delivery and post partum period with Lexi.  It was awful and scary and I don't really like to talk about it much.  That's probably why my mom was trying to talk to my cousin without my hearing the conversation.

Despite the fact that my mom has been very supportive of our choice to adopt, she has casually mentioned that she thinks I'll get pregnant again at some point. That is something that I sincerely do not want to happen, and it has annoyed me each time that she has made the off-handed light-hearted remarks. I have tried to remind her about the awful prognosis I was given in that delivery room in 2006.  I still remember my midwife's words.  "Your platelets are a third of normal levels and dropping.  Your liver is shutting down. We have to get the baby out as soon as possible.  We're starting pitocin and if we move to a c-section it will be to save the baby.  You most likely would not survive the surgery. You could stub your toe and bleed out."  I'm a straight shooter, so I appreciated the candor, and I sat in a hospital bed trying to absorb what I had just heard. I was processing the fact that my unmedicated natural birth wasn't going to happen while pushing that concern of death into the back of my mind.

I remember my mom breaking into hysterics and my husband silently crying as he googled HELLP Syndrome (we didn't know what it even was).  I've seen my husband cry exactly twice in twelve years.  I told him not to tell me what he read at the time, but he later told me that it was the statistic that one in four women will die from HELLP.  I remember telling my mom to leave the room if she couldn't stop crying.  I didn't need to hear her sobbing to people on the other end of the cell phone while she asked them to pray for me and my unborn baby. Don't get me wrong; I appreciated the prayers beyond measure.  It was the sobbing I could do without. I had to be strong in that moment and I didn't cry until. . . I don't really remember.  I'm typically a crier, but this time in my life demanded strength beyond tears.

The weeks following Lexi's delivery were emotionally and physically difficult. I am a holistic health practitioner and I know the body does things for a reason.  I needed to know what I did or didn't do to have this horrible condition. Anything.

During and after my recovery I did as much research as I could on HELLP.  There was very little information to be found.  I filled out a survey about my experience with the syndrome to try to help with research.  I wanted to know what I did wrong (I had a very healthy pregnancy before that) and what I could do to prevent it if I were to have another pregnancy.  There was no information to find.  I had a few theories, but I found no proof to support them.  I visited three doctors and they all had the same statistics to tell me.  One in four women will die.  I have a one in three chance of having HELLP in subsequent pregnancies.  None of that was comforting, nor did it lead me to desire another pregnancy.  The desire for another child still lingered inside me though.  Hence, adoption.

After my mom told me about the story that her friend recounted about her experience in labor & delivery, I knew that she finally got it.  I don't think I'll hear anymore off-hand, light-hearted comments about another pregnancy.  I could tell by the look on her face that she finally understood.  I actually said, "Do you understand why I can't ever be pregnant again now?"  My cousin piped in without missing a beat and said, "I've always understood that."

Thanks.  It's nice to be understood.  And now I can cry a little about it.

I wish. . .

I was reading a book last night, and Lexi asked me what it was about.

"It's about people who were adopted, and the people who adopted them."

She asked, "Was I adopted?"
"No, you weren't adopted.  You grew inside of me.  Remember the pictures of me when I was pregnant?"
"Oh yeah."
Then she proceeded to ask about many relatives and friends.  "Were they adopted?"
"No, they weren't adopted."
Then she said, very matter-of-factly, "I wish I was adopted."
Now, this was not said in the "I wish I had different parents way."  We have only really discussed what a blessing adoption can be with her.  So, of course she wishes she could be adopted.
I told her, "If you were adopted, then I wouldn't be here with you now.  You would have another mommy."
"No.  I wish you would adopt me."
"I didn't need to adopt you because you grew inside of me."
"OK.  Let's read a story."

Random Ponderings About Race

As I have researched various aspects of adoption, transracial adoption has seemed to be a hot-button issue. There are many opinions and some "research" about the topic. I have also learned that many people involved in the adoption triad (birthparents, adoptive parents and adoptees) are offended by things that others may not realize are offensive.

One such offensive remark is saying that children are "colorblind." Many people believe that no one can be truly "colorblind" in regards to not noticing the differences in skin color. I read an article that suggested that while kids may not be "colorblind," they very well could be "colormute." They can obviously see the difference in color of skin, but it may not be of concern enough to talk about it. I really like that.

When we first considered transracial adoption, I thought it only prudent to ask Lexi's opinion. I asked her, "Would it matter to you if your brother or sister didn't have the same color skin as you?" I then named off several of her friends who have different skin colors. Her response was, "I don't care. They can have purple or pink skin."

Even knowing that the skin color is not a deciding factor for us, questions still loom in my head. So I pray that God calms my concerns and guides our decisions.

So, last night we went to the bank. There were two tellers at the drive-thru. The one who was helping us was Caucasian and the other teller was Hispanic. Lexi asked me, "What is her name."

I assumed she meant our teller, so I told her, "Her name is Stacy."

She replied, "OK."

A few minutes later she asked again, "What is her name?"

I replied again, "Her name is Stacy."

"No. What is the white girl's name?"

I was a little surprised by the way she asked that question, because I don't think we have ever referred to people as White, but I told her again, "Her name is Stacy."

She got more adamant and said, "No. Her! The white girl."

I turned to see that she was pointing at the Hispanic teller. I said, "Honey, why did you call her the White girl."

She replied rather matter-of-factly, "Because she is wearing a white shirt."

In that moment, I had the answer that I needed about my concerns with transracial adoption. My daughter will no doubt see differences between people, because we indeed are all different. I just know that her main concern will not be the color of a person's skin or the type of hair. She may notice differences in clothes, cars, hairstyles, or shoes. The next child who enters our family will be taught to embrace any differences they may have and celebrate the love that we can all share.

My child may not be colorblind or colormute, but she will be raised to know that people of all shapes, sizes, and colors have the same human potential. We are all part of the human race.

"Research"

I am starting to think of research as torture. Matt and I have discussed some various concerns that we have and decided that we will re-discuss starting the homestudy in January. In the mean time I am researching-away the spare minutes that I have. I have contacted several agencies and I visit lots of adoption blogs and forums.

One of the major things I have come to realize is that for every one person who has an opinion on something, there are ten people who disagree with that person. It ultimately boils down to how we feel as a couple and how we feel God is leading us.

We have discussed the idea of adopting a newborn again. One of my main reasons not to adopt a newborn was that I didn't want to feel like I was taking a newborn that another family was yearning for. There are so many waiting families that this could still be a concern, but I have found that the fact that we are open to a child of any race means that there are many more possibilities for a child that could be the next addition to our family.

So, now I am researching homestudy concerns, and analyzing the things that need to change in our home. I'm looking into adoptive breastfeeding and wondering what a birthmother will think about the fact that I want to breastfeed. I'm researching "Dear Birthparent" letters and learning that the term "Dear Birthparent" can be offensive because an expectant parent is not a birthparent until they terminate parental rights (TPR). I am finding out how long it takes before a TPR is signed in our state. I'm researching closed, semi-open, and open adoption.

I'm thinking about my biological uncle who was put up for adoption when he was born in the 1950's. I think about how he had to feel when he found out that he was adopted. I remember my dad finding out that he had an older brother when I was eight years old. I remember meeting my uncle for the first and only time. I think about how hard he must have searched for all of that information to find us and the idea of a closed adoption is out the window. In fact, the semi-open adoption feels almost as secretive to me. The only way I can see doing a domestic infant adoption is to have an open relationship with the birth family. I can't imagine raising a child who always wonders where they came from and who their birth family is.

So now I'm down to just researching open domestic infant adoption. Isn't it funny how quickly God can lead us down a different path then we had thought out in our heads?