Non-Committal

Let me start by saying, "I am NOT feeling non-committal about the adoption."  We are fully committed to growing our family through adoption.  It is just everything else is hard to commit to when you never know what might happen with the adoption process.  We could get a call about a baby already born the day we become active.  We could wait months.  It could be anywhere in between those two things.  Only God knows for sure.

So, we know now that it may be up to 14 business days before our profile is done and active.  We've got two weeks here where we know we won't have a baby.  What can I commit to in two weeks?  I can help with Easter services at church.  I can bring snacks to Lexi's soccer game.  I can take long showers.  I can plant a garden and take long walks with Lexi and Matt.  I can learn to relax and sleep in a little on Saturdays. 

Now after those two weeks, it is so hard to say what I can do.  There are lots of things I want to do, but I want a baby so much more.  I want to be available for whatever timing God has in store for us.  I hear waiting potential adoptive parents (PAPs) say that you can't put your life on hold and I absolutely respect that idea.  However, I feel like every time I try to commit to something I have to have this long disclaimer.

"Would you mind hosting a get together for a bunch of friends sometime this summer Amanda?"
"I would love to (Really!), but you must know that I may have to leave on short notice and stay out of the state for two weeks or more and then be back home with a newborn and . . . "

"Would you be willing to teach Vacation Bible School in June?"
"I would love to (again Really!), but I may have to be out of state on short notice for 2+ weeks.  Aaaa-nd, I'm not sure if I can take more time off of work when I already will be taking a lot of time when the baby comes, but we don't know when that is."

"Let's plan a canoe trip and go camping!"
"OK, I seriously would love to, bu-ut. . . "

You get the idea.  I also have this ever-looming guilt about actually leaving my practice for 2+ weeks, which I have never done.  The fact that we may have to leave on short notice with no ability to actually plan that out. . . well. . . it's . . . mind-boggling actually.   Even just working 1-2 days a week seems so do-able to me, but 2+ weeks with no contact with my patients is a little overwhelming.  I love taking care of these people!

My loving husband is much calmer about the whole thing.  I love him for it.  He says if we can't go camping and canoeing, we'll just pitch a tent in the backyard and roast marshmallows over our little pit fire. I told him that when he figures out a way to simulate the canoe trip in the backyard, I'm all ears.   He also said that God might have really great timing and I'll already be off work with the baby during VBS time, so then I'll only have the excuse of having a newborn to keep me from working with a bunch of elementary children.  God has a sense of humor.

Our pastor actually shared with the whole congregation on Sunday that he and his family are also in the adoption process.  He didn't share a lot of details, but he did share that it is hard to fully trust God during the process.  I wholeheartedly agree, yet deep down inside I do trust Him.  I know that all of these seemingly important concerns (in my mind anyway) are just a speck of sand to an all-knowing God.  To that belief. . . I am committed.