The Countdown Chain

Lexi woke up yesterday and immediately asked, "When do we get to go get my brother and see the beach?"  So, we decided to start a countdown chain to make it more tangible for her.  The middle peak is the day we fly out to Virginia and the last one is the day we are hoping to fly home.  Of course, this little guy could throw us for a loop and our schedule could go out the window.  That's what babies are great at doing.

Missed Calls

I've never been one to keep my phone right next to me.  In fact, the phone is set to vibrate more often then not.  While I do now keep my phone on my desk most of the time, I can't always answer it even if I want to.  So, I miss calls.  Typically it's no big deal.  My friends and family know me well enough to know that I will call back when I can.  I just don't want to miss THE call.  You know the one. ;)

Since May 24, I have received three calls from a number that I don't recognize.  I googled it and it is the area code is for the entire state of Montana.  I don't know anyone in Montana except a couple chiropractors who wouldn't be calling my cell phone anyway.  I answered the first of the calls and there was no one on the other end of the line.  The other two calls were at times that I didn't/couldn't answer. 

So, now my curiosity is killing me.  I know I'm over-thinking this, but I keep wondering if I should call the number.  I don't know who I really think it could be.  Well, that's a lie.  I've concocted this crazy idea in my head that some expectant mother in Montana tracked down my cell phone number (I'm sure it's easier than I'd like to think) and calls and listens to my voicemail message to see if my voice sounds kind enough to raise her child.  Then she hangs up, because what can you really say on a voicemail in that situation?

So, should I call the number back?  Is it weird to have three calls from the same unrecognizable number?  Am I over-analyzing this in an effort to avoid thinking about other things? 

One Month of Waiting

I haven't been watching the clock tick for a month, but I realized today that it we have been waiting for one month now.  We still feel a lot of peace about it.  I feel like I should feel a little more anxious (or something), but God is granting us a peace that surpasses all understanding.

I do occasionally go look at all of the waiting families on our agency's site.  Today I decided to run some stats.

Out of 238 waiting families:

• 26% are open to Biracial babies (Caucasian & African American)
• 21.4% are open to Hispanic babies
• 20.6% are open to all races (meaning a child of multiple races - Caucasian, African American, Native American, Hispanic, & Asian)
• 17.6% are open to African American babies
• 16.8% are open to Native American babies
• 3.8% are in the same situation as we are (Open to any race, Christian, Caucasian themselves, and have one child)

The stats are interesting to me.  I cannot judge what determines a family's openness.  I understand that many people want a child to look like them.  I get that.  When we entered this adoption journey, we not only wanted to grow our family, but we also wanted to provide a loving home for any baby who needed it.  The process is not easy and we had to make a lot of choices about what we could or couldn't handle.  We knew that race was not one of those issues.  For what it's worth, I do understand the low percentage in regard to Native American babies.  The laws about Native American adoptions are a bit intimidating, but in the end we decided to be open to any race.

I know that some people who are already in transracial adoptions may read my blog and think that I am naive about all of the intricacies of transracial adoption.  They may be right, but we are willing to face any issues that may arise with love and respect.

I came across this video on Dr. Wayne Dyer's facebook page.  I heard him speak in January and I was so moved.  He is inspirational.   This video encompasses how I feel about people.  There are still times when our differences are apparent and need to be addressed, but we are all ONE.  We are all the human race.

What's going on?

We've only been active for a little over a week, and the only time I've been particularly anxious was when I saw the agency's number pop up on my phone.  I think I may have stopped breathing for a moment.  Alas, it was just the video guy asking us to check something on the camera.

Many people have asked us if we have heard anything yet, and the answer is no.  I feel really at peace about it.  I know that we will have a successful match when it is meant to happen.

So, in the mean time, we are tackling some of the household projects that we needed to finish.  We cleaned out the garage and reorganized Lexi's closet and playroom.

I've also decided that this baby needs more crocheted items.  I've made a couple more hats and a few cocoons to use for photo ops after we have our baby.

I got a free pattern from this blog for a cocoon:

Lexi's Cabbage Patch doll modeled for me.

 I also got this munchkin hat pattern from her site, but I changed it a bit because I prefer working in continuous rounds and I didn't do the stripes.  I'm not sure that I love how it turned out, but it's finished and ready for a photo atop a baby head.

 I made another cocoon without a real pattern here, but I didn't get my Cabbage Patch model in it yet.

 I had just enough of that adorable yarn left to make a little baby hat too.

Non-Committal

Let me start by saying, "I am NOT feeling non-committal about the adoption."  We are fully committed to growing our family through adoption.  It is just everything else is hard to commit to when you never know what might happen with the adoption process.  We could get a call about a baby already born the day we become active.  We could wait months.  It could be anywhere in between those two things.  Only God knows for sure.

So, we know now that it may be up to 14 business days before our profile is done and active.  We've got two weeks here where we know we won't have a baby.  What can I commit to in two weeks?  I can help with Easter services at church.  I can bring snacks to Lexi's soccer game.  I can take long showers.  I can plant a garden and take long walks with Lexi and Matt.  I can learn to relax and sleep in a little on Saturdays. 

Now after those two weeks, it is so hard to say what I can do.  There are lots of things I want to do, but I want a baby so much more.  I want to be available for whatever timing God has in store for us.  I hear waiting potential adoptive parents (PAPs) say that you can't put your life on hold and I absolutely respect that idea.  However, I feel like every time I try to commit to something I have to have this long disclaimer.

"Would you mind hosting a get together for a bunch of friends sometime this summer Amanda?"
"I would love to (Really!), but you must know that I may have to leave on short notice and stay out of the state for two weeks or more and then be back home with a newborn and . . . "

"Would you be willing to teach Vacation Bible School in June?"
"I would love to (again Really!), but I may have to be out of state on short notice for 2+ weeks.  Aaaa-nd, I'm not sure if I can take more time off of work when I already will be taking a lot of time when the baby comes, but we don't know when that is."

"Let's plan a canoe trip and go camping!"
"OK, I seriously would love to, bu-ut. . . "

You get the idea.  I also have this ever-looming guilt about actually leaving my practice for 2+ weeks, which I have never done.  The fact that we may have to leave on short notice with no ability to actually plan that out. . . well. . . it's . . . mind-boggling actually.   Even just working 1-2 days a week seems so do-able to me, but 2+ weeks with no contact with my patients is a little overwhelming.  I love taking care of these people!

My loving husband is much calmer about the whole thing.  I love him for it.  He says if we can't go camping and canoeing, we'll just pitch a tent in the backyard and roast marshmallows over our little pit fire. I told him that when he figures out a way to simulate the canoe trip in the backyard, I'm all ears.   He also said that God might have really great timing and I'll already be off work with the baby during VBS time, so then I'll only have the excuse of having a newborn to keep me from working with a bunch of elementary children.  God has a sense of humor.

Our pastor actually shared with the whole congregation on Sunday that he and his family are also in the adoption process.  He didn't share a lot of details, but he did share that it is hard to fully trust God during the process.  I wholeheartedly agree, yet deep down inside I do trust Him.  I know that all of these seemingly important concerns (in my mind anyway) are just a speck of sand to an all-knowing God.  To that belief. . . I am committed.