Random Ponderings About Race

As I have researched various aspects of adoption, transracial adoption has seemed to be a hot-button issue. There are many opinions and some "research" about the topic. I have also learned that many people involved in the adoption triad (birthparents, adoptive parents and adoptees) are offended by things that others may not realize are offensive.

One such offensive remark is saying that children are "colorblind." Many people believe that no one can be truly "colorblind" in regards to not noticing the differences in skin color. I read an article that suggested that while kids may not be "colorblind," they very well could be "colormute." They can obviously see the difference in color of skin, but it may not be of concern enough to talk about it. I really like that.

When we first considered transracial adoption, I thought it only prudent to ask Lexi's opinion. I asked her, "Would it matter to you if your brother or sister didn't have the same color skin as you?" I then named off several of her friends who have different skin colors. Her response was, "I don't care. They can have purple or pink skin."

Even knowing that the skin color is not a deciding factor for us, questions still loom in my head. So I pray that God calms my concerns and guides our decisions.

So, last night we went to the bank. There were two tellers at the drive-thru. The one who was helping us was Caucasian and the other teller was Hispanic. Lexi asked me, "What is her name."

I assumed she meant our teller, so I told her, "Her name is Stacy."

She replied, "OK."

A few minutes later she asked again, "What is her name?"

I replied again, "Her name is Stacy."

"No. What is the white girl's name?"

I was a little surprised by the way she asked that question, because I don't think we have ever referred to people as White, but I told her again, "Her name is Stacy."

She got more adamant and said, "No. Her! The white girl."

I turned to see that she was pointing at the Hispanic teller. I said, "Honey, why did you call her the White girl."

She replied rather matter-of-factly, "Because she is wearing a white shirt."

In that moment, I had the answer that I needed about my concerns with transracial adoption. My daughter will no doubt see differences between people, because we indeed are all different. I just know that her main concern will not be the color of a person's skin or the type of hair. She may notice differences in clothes, cars, hairstyles, or shoes. The next child who enters our family will be taught to embrace any differences they may have and celebrate the love that we can all share.

My child may not be colorblind or colormute, but she will be raised to know that people of all shapes, sizes, and colors have the same human potential. We are all part of the human race.

"Research"

I am starting to think of research as torture. Matt and I have discussed some various concerns that we have and decided that we will re-discuss starting the homestudy in January. In the mean time I am researching-away the spare minutes that I have. I have contacted several agencies and I visit lots of adoption blogs and forums.

One of the major things I have come to realize is that for every one person who has an opinion on something, there are ten people who disagree with that person. It ultimately boils down to how we feel as a couple and how we feel God is leading us.

We have discussed the idea of adopting a newborn again. One of my main reasons not to adopt a newborn was that I didn't want to feel like I was taking a newborn that another family was yearning for. There are so many waiting families that this could still be a concern, but I have found that the fact that we are open to a child of any race means that there are many more possibilities for a child that could be the next addition to our family.

So, now I am researching homestudy concerns, and analyzing the things that need to change in our home. I'm looking into adoptive breastfeeding and wondering what a birthmother will think about the fact that I want to breastfeed. I'm researching "Dear Birthparent" letters and learning that the term "Dear Birthparent" can be offensive because an expectant parent is not a birthparent until they terminate parental rights (TPR). I am finding out how long it takes before a TPR is signed in our state. I'm researching closed, semi-open, and open adoption.

I'm thinking about my biological uncle who was put up for adoption when he was born in the 1950's. I think about how he had to feel when he found out that he was adopted. I remember my dad finding out that he had an older brother when I was eight years old. I remember meeting my uncle for the first and only time. I think about how hard he must have searched for all of that information to find us and the idea of a closed adoption is out the window. In fact, the semi-open adoption feels almost as secretive to me. The only way I can see doing a domestic infant adoption is to have an open relationship with the birth family. I can't imagine raising a child who always wonders where they came from and who their birth family is.

So now I'm down to just researching open domestic infant adoption. Isn't it funny how quickly God can lead us down a different path then we had thought out in our heads?

Ask, and ye shall recieve.

Right? After my (yet again) melodramatic post (I swear I'm not usually like this), I came across this blog that has me crying tears of joy.

A friend also sent me some encouraging words, and another verse to live by.

"And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them." Romans 8:28, NLT.

So, how's it going?

I'm starting to feel silly that we made the decision to share our decision to enter into our adoption journey with so many people in the midst of feeling so lost about the next step or direction. (Holy run-on sentence Batman.) Lots of well-meaning friends (and I really appreciate you!) have asked how the process is going and the short answer is that it's not really going anywhere at the moment.

I've tried searching the web for blogs, adoption laws, agencies, and forums. I really am searching for the good, because the bad seems to find people without even trying. There is an overwhelming amount of negative information about adoption out there. I've seen blogs of adopted adults that still feel lost and can't seem to find their identity. I've read horror stories about failed adoptions and years in court. I've found blogs that talk about the amazing blessing that adoption can be for the parents and children alike. Yet, they still need to remind the reader of the pain and torment and struggles.

I've never really been described as a big optimist or anything, but I just can't seem to believe that it is all that bad. I guess I want to find the happy idealistic yet realistic stories. I guess I need the encouragement. So, if you see them out there, send them my way. I've seen some, but there have got to more out there.

We haven't started the homestudy yet. There are different prices for international v. domestic and we haven't decided which way we are going yet. I continue to pray for guidance.

A big part of me still feels like there has got to be a toddler in the US who is supposed to be a part of our family. Part of me wants to go to Korea. I just don't know. . .

'Meant for Each Other'

A friend sent me this article. I thought it was really beautiful.

Is this a sign?

I've been praying for guidance, and I'm really trying not to over-think things. That's not easy for me, because I tend to over-analyze and take my time making decisions. I was thinking that if we adopted an older child from Korea (or any other country really) that they may already speak the language (Hangul) and it would ease the transition if I learned more of the language. My current knowledge of Hangul is basically "yeoboseyo" (hello) and "kam-sa-ham-ni-da" (thank you). I remember a few other words from our time in Korea, but that is about it.

For anyone reading this who doesn't know, I am a chiropractor. I work in a small office with one other doctor (who does not speak Hangul). Today, an Asian man walked into the office and asked for the doctor who speaks Korean. Our CA (chiropractic assistant) told him that we did not have a doctor who speaks Korean. He asked again, stating that he heard there was a doctor here who speaks Korean. Our CA again said that neither of the doctors speak Korean. The man left and seemed confused. I don't know of any doctors in the area who speak Korean.

So, what do you think: sign, coincidence, both? I'm a big believer in signs from above.

Clarity with the light of day

As I expected, I did not sleep well last night. What surprised me was that Lexi didn't either. She tossed and turned and woke up crying, which is so unlike her. She woke up this morning and asked, "Why don't we have the child we talked about last night?" Sigh. My gentle, connected, emotional, sensitive and amazing child. You are already so connected to a child that we've only dreamed about. I love you.

When I can't sleep, I pray. I pray for all kinds of things, but obviously the adoption process was forefront on my mind. I feel more at peace that God has already designed a path for us to find the child that He knows will be a part of our family.

A dear friend sent me this verse: "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11

I know the truth of that verse because I have lived it.

One of the other verses I am meditating on is this: "So do not worry about tomorrow; for tomorrow will care for itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."
Matthew 6:34

So, after my prayer and meditation, I know that I was a bit melodramatic. I'll get over myself. . .